Hi (if anyone is reading this)
I went to two AA meetings this evening in my home town. The person I mentioned in my previous post was at the first meeting I went to earlier and saw me looking a bit of a mess, I had been crying constantly in the day (I’ll get to that in a bit) and my eyes were really puffy, and I told him I needed a meeting.
During the break, my fellow alcoholic told me how important it was I start the steps. I explained the previous lady I asked to sponsor me could only work the steps with me in the daytime. From next week, I’ll be busy at the community rehab so won’t be able to meet her in the day, and this lady works nights, so evenings when I’m free wouldn’t be ideal for her. They said they’d help me find someone…they asked if there’s anyone I like the sound of their shares. I said there was one lady who I heard at my second ever meeting, but thought she was from a different town so I’d try and suss her out by going to more out of town meetings. They didn’t seem to buy this and said I’m kind of umming and uhhing about finding a sponsor. And when I said I will get a sponsor this year (I wasn’t thinking entirely as I said it) considering it’s only February, they basically laughed at me.
I didn’t take offence, because I know they were just trying to make me realise how important it is to do the steps. I saw the lady I had asked to sponsor me previously (before my hideous latest relapse) at the second meeting this evening and she asked if I still had her number and to call her, so we agreed Tuesday next week. I still struggle profoundly reaching out to people, but I will ring her and fill her in with what’s been happening the last few months. Hopefully we can sort out doing the steps in the near future.
So anyway, as to why I turned up to the first meeting with puffy eyes earlier, I (think) found out my boyfriend of nearly two years is interested in someone else. During our time together, he has seen me drink a lot, our first few dates we would go to pubs (he would get tipsy on one Cider) and I became very insecure with him going out with a girl he worked with and went out to the pub with her and some others. This worry of mine occured when he took me to a restaurant she worked at, another job she had alongside the one did with him. He told me he took me there because he wanted me to meet his friends. When I used to work Friday nights at a football stadium, he would tell me he went to a pub with two Male coworkers, which I had no problem with, and when I finished work, he would usually meet me about midnight because the walk home was about an hour. I then found out from a Facebook post he and his Male friends were tagged in, and the girl he worked with who I mentioned earlier who he never told me went out with them, because the pub they all visited had burned down. So he lied to me and that’s how my insecurity developed further. I remember one night he didn’t say he was going to meet me and I wondered if his coworker was out and that’s why he didn’t bring it up.
I get very insecure in relationships, it’s one of the main reasons why I drank. I would compare myself and something I’ve heard in AA is I would either think I was better or worse than people, and when it came to relationships I got into, girls in my partner’s lives I would compare myself to if I felt they were a threat to me or not. This included looks, body size, hair, education, talent, how they spoke etc.
The girl who my boyfriend worked with was younger than me by 8 years, was pretty, slim, a dancer, smart and did lots of charity work. At the time I was working in a dead end job, had no idea what to do with my life (still don’t if I’m honest) could draw, but never did well with my Art A Level and Foundation diploma in art and design and felt more of a failure for it because art was supposed to be the thing I was recognised for and yet I barely scrapped to get a Pass grade, so I felt like I’d lost my identity and had failed at the one thing I was told all my life I was good at. I also had (and still do) extremely low confidence and low self-esteem (another massive reason I drank a lot, to break away my shyness and to feel comfortable socialising, even drinking before work just so I thought I could be interesting in conversations with my coworkers).
My comparing has been a long standing issue with relationships and has lead me to have extreme jealousy and dislike (sometimes it felt like hatred when I was really upset and angry) at other girls I thought a partner of mine would prefer of me because she was better than me, in any or all of the reasons I listed above. I would always feel like second best and like they tried their luck with the girls they wanted, couldn’t get them so settled for me. I would drink to make myself not care and to feel better, but being an alcoholic, I would drink far too much and end up doing something I would regret the next day, like sending a load of abuse to my partner (whoever that was at the time) and tell them to ask out the girl they want and stop using me.
Anyway, getting a bit off topic. My current relationship, I would always look for signs my boyfriend was interested in someone else. I would listen to his language, what he mentioned and when I got myself into such a state (usually after drinking) I would look through his phone to find out if he was cheating. I tried to dump him loads of times, which scared him at first because he was so surprised, but he soon got used to my empty threats and said I didn’t mean it and it was my ‘anxiety’. Partly true, but in a way, I felt safer being single. The thought of it now terrifies me.
Last night, he told me someone who used to work with messaged him about something, and I started overthinking that it was the girl I have mentioned earlier in this post who had messaged him. When he went to the bathroom, he left his phone in the room with me and I went through it to find the message I assumed would be the girl he previously worked with, and I couldn’t find one. So I assumed he had deleted it. But then I saw something I hadn’t been looking for. I stumbled upon his Facebook search bar and he had been searching a girl’s name with different spellings, using keywords of the shop she works in, a shop he goes to sell stuff. He goes there every so often and I just went cold.
I rang my sister if this was normal, why would my boyfriend be looking up some random girl in a shop he goes in? My sister said to ask him, so I did. I asked him what she looks like “slim, mid 20s, brunette”. I asked why would he be looking her up in Facebook and he said something like (I can’t remember exactly now because my lips were shaking and I was crying): “I wanted to find out about her”. It was something along those lines and I asked him why???? I asked if he found her pretty and attractive and he said no, but he was looking away as he said it. I said if you had found her, you would have started messaging her and kept it from me. He said he would “never split up from me” and how we’d been through a lot (my alcoholism) and I said “are you just staying with me because you’re worried I’ll relapse if you break up with me?”. He said no.
He didn’t try and tell me I had the wrong idea or say bye to me this morning and I haven’t heard from him all day. I was so angry and upset, I burned a picture of us and left it in his sink, ripped up some cards and another photo and screwed up a drawing I did for him. I felt better at the time, and if he is after another woman and telling me he wants me, then he deserves it. I’m only over two weeks sober and I would drink on this kind of thing previously, but I went to two AA meetings tonight and I plan on going to more meetings tomorrow.
I really want to get stronger and not feel like I have to rely on him or anyone else to live. At the moment, I feel like my life is over if he moves on with someone else. I keep asking myself “why now?” in regards to him being interested in someone else. He had plenty of opportunities to tell me to do one. He knows how sensitive I am, and it would be more cruel of him to wait until I’m further down the sober road to then tell me he does indeed like this other woman.
Ugh, I hope I get to sleep tonight. My eyes still sting from all the crying earlier. X